"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
why do cheetos always look like penises
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
