If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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