just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
