Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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