I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Randomize
