Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
false alarm. still invincible.
sarcasm needs its own font
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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