Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
