take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
