Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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