I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
