I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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