six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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