The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
