I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
