my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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