I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
