sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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