i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
