I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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