NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
