We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
