You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
