I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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