pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
be right there i have to get my cape
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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