I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
