You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
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