after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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