I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
