I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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