I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
