That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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