Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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