True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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