I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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