hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
