Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
