Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
