I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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