Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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