you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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