You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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