There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
