i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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