Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
