she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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