it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
