I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you didnt know i had herpes?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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