i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Couch. On fire.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
