I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
