the new term for farting is butt boxing.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
